Coach Yourself Toward More Self-Compassion

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Isn’t it funny how some messages seep in and stick, even those we know positively stink?

“ You can never be too rich, too thin, or have too many silk blouses.”—Wallis Simpson, Duchess of Windsor

Years ago my undergrad roommate placed that infamous Simpson quote on our fireplace mantle. Her mother thought it was the perfect housewarming gift for young university women. No, it wasn’t the 1950s. And yes, it does sound eerily like Real Housewives’ taglines.

That quote resided on our mantle, its careful Mom-created calligraphy rankling me, until I ‘disappeared it.’ (Sorry Jill, if you’re reading this, mystery solved and my apologies for not having the guts to tell you I’d trashed it back then.)

Much as I despised Simpson’s message, decades later I still remember it verbatim. It is what I call a “stinky” message. Each time I see, hear or read stinky-sticky-self-deflating messages, it’s like sniffing rotten tomatoes. Unfortunately, the stench is everywhere and leaders, as much as anyone, are inundated with stinky messages about how to look, act and be.

Stinky Messages Suck Your Energy

Stinky messages use up energy, brain and heart space leaders need for much more important thoughts, feelings and actions at work and at home too.

Stinky messages typically have a competitive and comparative bent to them. Someone looks better, possesses more, creates greater profits, or simply has an easier time leading. In this way, stinky messages and images chip away at self-confidence because they foster the feeling that you are not enough or are not trying hard enough .

Stinky messages tend to rest in the back of your mind, at the ready to leap forward when you struggle, falter and fail. They waltz smoothly with your all too natural self-judgment, what Arianna Huffington calls “the obnoxious roommate” in your head, that voice of unhelpful self-criticism .

Stinky messages often masquerade as self-improvement challenges. Fill in these blanks: I’m too __________; I’m not ___________ enough. Therefore I must ___________. Marketers and leadership “experts” love to play both on your fears and your inner drive to excel with stinky messages that promise if you buy X good or service, you’ll be measure up.

Beat-Downs Be Gone

Stinky messages are beat-downs you don’t need in 2015! Stop stinky messages in their tracks: G ive yourself permission to sniff them out quickly—acknowledge them for what they are—and focus on increasing your self-compassion .

Kristin Neff, Ph.D. has spent over a decade creating a scientific basis for understanding and expanding self-compassion. Neff explains that self-compassion involves three essential components that would be a great addition to a leadership job description:

In her 2011 article, “ Why Self-Compassion Trumps Self-Esteem ,” Neff  writes, “Rather than pitting ourselves against other people in an endless comparison game, we embrace what we share with others and feel more connected and whole in the process. And the good feelings of self-compassion don’t go away when we mess up or things go wrong. In fact, self-compassion steps in precisely where self-esteem lets us down—whenever we fail or feel inadequate.”

Another self-compassion researcher, Emma Seppela, Ph.D., distinguishes self-esteem from self-compassion succinctly, “Where self-esteem leaves us powerless and distraught, self-compassion is at the heart of empowerment, learning, and inner strength.”

XOXO from You to YOU:  A Self-Coaching Practice

Leaders, are you game for a little “self-compassion/self-coaching” in the 2016?

Let’s take some time-tested musical advice: I’m Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter* is one of the most recorded American songs of all time…

“I’m gonna sit right down and write myself a letter, And make believe it came from you, I’m gonna write words oh so sweet, They’re gonna knock me off my feet, A lotta kisses on the bottom, I’ll be glad I got ‘em”

The song is a classic. It still resonates today with its simple message of self-compassion. There’s something empowering, even liberating about writing ourselves a love letter . Mark Twain agrees, “The frankest and freest and privatest product of the human mind and heart is a love letter.”

So leaders, your “self-compassion/self-coaching” assignment is to sit right down and write yourself a love letter from you to YOU.

Make it a habit, do it each week.

Your leadership love letter can be an email, but writing it by hand works your brain differently so I encourage you to write rather than type.

We may never totally outsmart stinky messages, but practicing self-compassion will definitely help grow us as a leaders, as people. Use this permission slip frequently during 2016, please, you’re definitely worth it.

Kristen Neff’s book , Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind ,” is a gem. Emma Seppela’s article : How to Practice Self-Compassion at SpiritualityHealth.com. offers additional, terrific self-compassion practices.

*I’m Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself A Letter was first recorded by Fats Waller in 1935. The Broadway musical Ain’t Misbehavin’ includes this song. In his 2012, Paul McCartney borrowed from the song’s lyrics to name his album “Kisses on the Bottom.”

Images : Permission Slip via victoriamunoz.com, Dr. Neff’s 3 essentials from www.mindfulnessandcompassion.i.e., and record courtesy rateyourmusic.com . Twain quote/image via @RomanJancic.