“You’re a loser, you’re never going to have success.”

“You have no friends and never will.”

“You can’t possibly learn that, you’re too stupid.”

“You’ll never make that shot, you’re not a good enough player.”

What would happen if your coach, boss, teacher, therapist, friend or potential client said that to you? You’d fire them! Report them! Cut ties with them! Maybe you’d even picture yourself hitting them — at least with a pillow.

So why are you talking to yourself this way?

When I asked Main Street Women across the U.S. whether there’s ever been a time when they didn’t speak up or stand up for someone or something, the overwhelming majority said yes. Most could detail with exquisite specificity the thoughts and feelings that stopped them from speaking up or standing up for themselves.

The culprit? An inner voice whispering fear-filled messages tied to potential embarrassment, or “looking stupid.” Some reported a brain freeze-like paralysis reaching their throats. For others, their well-ingrained “pleaser” training took hold.

In contrast, using their voices — taking a stand for others — came easily.

How can we defeat these self-defeating thoughts that stop us from living and working as imperfect but WHOLE persons?

Susan David and Christina Congleton* recently offered four “emotional agility” practices in Harvard Business Review magazine: “Recognize your patterns; label your thoughts and emotions; accept them; and act on your values.” The practices are adapted from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and I highly recommend reading the full piece, Emotional Agility: How Effective Leaders Manage Negative Thoughts and Emotions , see http://hbr.org/2013/11/emotional-agility/ar/1 .

I’ll add these reflections as food for thought and action:

• Become the Other. How would I react to others who said those things to me? That’s right, go on and laugh — you wouldn’t tolerate it, would you!
• Assess the Evidence. What evidence do I really have that this is true? Come on, not a one of us is perfect and there are no “always” absolutes in this world. Yes, we all fail. Think about times you actually did fail and picked yourself up again!
• Check the Story. Is this just a story I’m telling myself? Ask a trusted person in your life — I’ll bet they tell you’re living in fantasy land, not the real world, with these thoughts.
• Flip It. What happens when you breathe and then shift each thought to something positive? Try it! “I’m a loser, I never succeed,” becomes “I’m persistant, I often succeed.”
• Stop & Be Grateful. Accept those thoughts and write down 20 things you’re grateful for immediately. No self-defeating thoughts can survive for long with gratitude in your head and heart.
• Jump! What would happen if when your inner voice whispered fear and doubt or pleasing-filled thoughts you started jumping up and down? Try it! Did you forget that hogwash? Laugh at yourself?

Here’s something else that works for me: read something that inspires, strengthens or uplifts you . I often use this excerpt from Marianne Williamson’s A Return to Love :

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

What would you advise others to do to defeat self-defeating thoughts? Love to hear your thoughts!

Sending you nothing but wishes for growing and growing your self-love!

*Susan David is the CEO of Evidence Based Psychology, a cofounder of the Institute of Coaching, and an instructor in psychology at Harvard University. Christina Congleton, who was formerly a researcher on mindfulness and the brain at Massachusetts General Hospital, is an associate at Evidence Based Psychology and a certified coach.