Self-Talk That Works

February 19, 2014 by 3 Comments
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Henry Ford quote on self-talk

University of Michigan’s researchers have confirmed it:  Henry Ford was right. U sing YOU when talking to ourselves helps us regulate emotions, feel more confident and perform better.

When You’re Preparing for a Task, Say “You Can Do It,” not “I Can Do It”

by Andrew O’Connell | 8:30 AM February 18, 2014

People who referred to themselves as “you” or by their own names while silently talking to themselves in preparation for a five-minute speech were subsequently calmer and more confident and performed better on the talk than people who had referred to themselves as “I” or “me” ( 3.6 versus 3.2 on a combined five-point scale, in the view of judges), says a team led by Ethan Kross of the University of Michigan. The research participants who talked to themselves in the second or third person also felt less shame afterward. By distancing us from ourselves, the use of the second and third person in internal monologues enables us to better regulate our emotions, the researchers say. ( http://blogs.hbr.org/2014/02/when-youre-preparing-for-a-task-say-you-can-do-it-not-i-can-do-it/ )

Self-Talk Self-Talk Reflections in Action

Look in the mirror. Look straight in your own eyes. Whether you’re preparing for a task, a speech, a difficult conversation or just a regular ol’ day, say:

1. YOU CAN DO IT.

2. YOU HAVE A CHOICE IN THIS MOMENT.

3. YOU ARE NOT PERFECT BUT YOU ARE WHOLE, WORTHY AND POWERFUL.

4. YOU ARE CONNECTED AND CONNECTING.

5. YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO SUCCEED.

Now, dear reader and friend, GO GET ‘EM!

#PeaceHug, Jone

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Last Day for Free Download: Shriver Report – A Woman’s Nation Pushes Back from the Brink

January 15, 2014 by Leave a Comment
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The Shriver Report: A Woman’s Nation Pushes Back from the Brink d ownload the full report here for FREE from January 12th – January 15th.

The American family has changed. Today, only one in five families has a homemaker mom and working dad. Two out of three families depend on the wages of working moms who are struggling to balance caregiving and breadwinning.”

A combination of real women’s stories, facts about how American women really live, and potential solutions for making the change, this repot offers valuable food for thought and action. I encourage you to download it today and make time to read the short essays.

“The bad news came in the 2013 “State of the World’s Mothers” report. Of the 30 best countries in the world to be a mother, the survey reports that the United States ranks 30th—behind all the countries in Scandinavia, Australia, Canada, and most of the developed world.” Sister Joan Chittister

Facts & Figures from the Report:

  • One in three women in America are living in poverty or teetering on its brink. That’s 42 million women plus the 28 million children who depend on them.
  • The average woman continues to be paid 77 cents for every dollar the average man earns. The average African American woman earns only 64 cents and the average Latina only 55 cents compared to white men.
  • Closing the wage gap between men and women would cut the poverty rate in half for working women and their families and would add nearly half a trillion dollars to the national economy.
  • Women are nearly two-thirds of minimum-wage workers, and a vast majority of these workers receive no paid sick days. Not one.
  • More than half of the babies born to women under the age of 30 are born to unmarried mothers, most of them white.
  • Nearly two-thirds of Americans and 85 percent of Millennials believe that government should adapt to the reality of single-parent families and use its resources to help children and mothers succeed, regardless of family status.
  • An overwhelming 96 percent of single mothers say paid leave is the workplace policy that would help them most, and nearly 80 percent of all Americans say the government should expand access to high-quality, affordable child care.
  • Women living on the brink overwhelmingly regret not making education a bigger priority.
  • The trauma and chronic stress of poverty are toxic to children, making them two and a half times more likely to suffer as adults from COPD, hepatitis, and depression.

“An America that puts an equal emphasis on care and competition would be a very different place.” Anne-Marie Slaughter

Check out the report and I’d love to hear from you! How well do you think the report expresses #WhatWomenNeed?

Filed Under: Action , Change , Gender Equality , inCourage Reflections Blog , maintreet women Tagged With: , ,

Thinking Like a Heroine/Hero (#KindnessRevolution)

January 8, 2014 by 2 Comments
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Hero

An ‘Everyday’ Hero

Indianapolis Mayor Greg Ballard called it, “The cold is the real killer here. In 10 minutes you could be dead without proper clothing.” It is so bitterly cold here in the Midwest that this letter to the editor of a local Nebraska newspaper really struck me today:

“This evening on my way home I got stalled in a long line of traffic at the railroad crossing on Custer Street. When the crossarms went up I was surprised that no one on either side moved. Finally a few cars started swerving around to get across the tracks.

It was then that I noticed a person standing in the freezing cold next to a dog that had been hit by a train.

So whoever you are, I want you to know I was so touched by your kindness to protect that dog. Had you not stood there, that poor animal would have gotten run over repeatedly by the long line of cars. You are my hero!”

–Deb Phillips, January 8, 2014  (Grand Island Independent, Grand Island, Nebraska)

What Makes a Hero?

“When I do good, I feel good.  When I do bad, I feel bad.  That’s my religion.” – Abraham Lincoln

That Deb took the time to write this letter to the editor is incredibly heartening to me — worthy of a #KindnessRevolution badge on so many fronts. She also got me thinking about heroism, especially this ‘everyday’ Main Street kind of hero, a person who quietly:  sacrifices, faces danger, takes a stand against injustice or harm to other beings.

Phillip Zimbardo has spent decades researching what makes us good and bad — and heroic. Here are a few key insights Zimbardo reports from his survey of 4,000 Americans:

  • Heroes are everywhere. One in five—20 percent—qualify as heroes. Seventy-two percent report helping another person in a dangerous emergency. Sixteen percent report whistle blowing on an injustice. Six percent report sacrificing for a non-relative or stranger. Fifteen percent report defying an unjust authority. (Not one of these people has been formally recognized as a hero, according to Zimbardo’s study.)
  • Gender matters. Males reported performing acts of heroism more than females. Zimbardo thinks this is because women tend not to regard a lot of their heroic actions as heroic. It’s just what we women think we’re supposed to do for our family or a friend.
  • Personal history matters. Having survived a disaster or personal trauma makes you three times more likely to be a hero and a volunteer.

To learn more, see Zimbardo’s article and videos at http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_makes_a_hero .

Thinking Of Ourselves as Heroines/Heros

“One must think like a hero to behave like a merely decent human being.” –May Sarton

Heroes don't always wear capes Not all heroes wear capes, dog tags or crowns. Not many heroines and heroes actually make the news. We women, especially, don’t even think of ourselves as heroic and for this reason, today’s reflection…

1) Spend a little time reflecting on how to think and act like a heroine/hero. For inspiration, read a short bio on someone you consider heroic.

2) Breathe and imagine. W hat if you shifted your thinking and purposely acknowledged when you sacrifice, risk, take a stand, or speak out for others, as an act of heroism?

2) Name one time you acted heroically in the past. How might naming your heroism more often fuel more courage, more acts of kindness, more result in the common good?

Go on and let yourself be HEROIC!

If you have everyday heroism stories like Deb’s to share, I’d absolutely love to pass them along here. As always, feel free to email me: jone@incourageleading.com

#PeaceHug

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Telling Stories: Amy Tan, Aesop & Main Streeters

November 21, 2013 by Leave a Comment
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Share Your Stories Writer Amy Tan was in St. Louis this week, sharing stories about how she comes up with and finishes her brilliant stories. Best known for The Joy Luck Club, Tan’s novels are always on the bestsellers lists, win awards and are translated into dozens of languages so that the world can read her unique American perspective.

During the Q & A with Tan, a public high school English teacher asked her if she had any advice for teens who feel disconnected and alone. Tan had a difficult time as a teen herself and advised two things: read stories and capture your thoughts in a journal.

Child development researchers agree with Ms. Tan. Sharing stories with children, reading with them, raises their confidence, helps them cope with feelings and enables them to relax. It also helps them develop their imaginations, giving them new ideas, new ways to think about the world, diverse perspectives and people, and possibilities.

Telling stories about family history has also been found to connect children in important ways to their heritage, to the people in their lives. And, some therapeutic treatments are based specifically on writing down thoughts and feelings so that they can be reflected upon and managed.

Adult Storytime

Stories – reading and writing – produces the same results for adults. With respect to fiction, psychologists have found that when we read, we enter a world of what could happen and thus effectively set aside our immediate concerns.

Since I spend a lot of time reading, writing and working on what’s troubling our nation, our communities, families and individuals, Tan’s advice was a great reminder for me. Reading and talking about nonfiction exclusively (though sometimes the U.S. news sounds more than fiction than fact to me) is not healthy – I’ve put Tan’s new novel, Valley of Amazement, is on my ‘must-read’ fiction list for the holidays.

But Tan’s advice also helped me reflect on stories told to and by Americans today. One story that seems to be living and breathing is that we’re so divided that we cannot come together to address issues and transform this nation. United We Stand

Listening to Main Street women, family and friends, I’ve found myself pondering whether there’s a brilliant strategy behind this divisiveness story. Is there a masterful and purposeful pitting of ordinary Americans against one another by folks that desire more money, more power, more control over critical decisions that impact us all?

Some of this “divided” story is nonfiction – our federal government shutdown was evidence of that. However, some of this story is pure fiction. Every single day, incredibly diverse Main Street Americans live and work together despite the fact that each may hold diametrically opposed opinions. We come together, as Project Runway’s Tim Gunn would say, we make it work.

Four Oxen and the Lion Reflecting upon this, I was reminded of Aesop’s story I heard as a child.

The Four Oxen and the Lion

A LION used to prowl about a field in which Four Oxen used to dwell. Many a time he tried to attack them; but whenever he came near they turned their tails to one another, so that whichever way he approached them he was met by the horns of one of them. At last, however, they fell a-quarrelling among themselves, and each went off to pasture alone in a separate corner of the field. Then the Lion attacked them one by one and soon made an end of all four. (Æsop. Sixth century B.C.)

“United we stand, divided we fall” is derived from this fable, as are the old protest chants:  “The people, united, will never be defeated.” And “The people, divided, will surely be defeated.”

I hope over the Thanksgiving holiday – if you get one – you write, read or tell a story or two. And, if you get a moment to reflect, I’d love for you to think about what stories we collectively need to stop telling, stop listening to, and stop spreading. Let’s let the Lion roam to another pasture.

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How to Defeat Self-Defeating Thoughts

November 13, 2013 by Leave a Comment
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Self love “You’re a loser, you’re never going to have success.”

“You have no friends and never will.”

“You can’t possibly learn that, you’re too stupid.”

“You’ll never make that shot, you’re not a good enough player.”

What would happen if your coach, boss, teacher, therapist, friend or potential client said that to you? You’d fire them! Report them! Cut ties with them! Maybe you’d even picture yourself hitting them — at least with a pillow.

So why are you talking to yourself this way?

When I asked Main Street Women across the U.S. whether there’s ever been a time when they didn’t speak up or stand up for someone or something, the overwhelming majority said yes. Most could detail with exquisite specificity the thoughts and feelings that stopped them from speaking up or standing up for themselves.

The culprit? An inner voice whispering fear-filled messages tied to potential embarrassment, or “looking stupid.” Some reported a brain freeze-like paralysis reaching their throats. For others, their well-ingrained “pleaser” training took hold.

In contrast, using their voices — taking a stand for others — came easily.

How can we defeat these self-defeating thoughts that stop us from living and working as imperfect but WHOLE persons?

Susan David and Christina Congleton* recently offered four “emotional agility” practices in Harvard Business Review magazine: “Recognize your patterns; label your thoughts and emotions; accept them; and act on your values.” The practices are adapted from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and I highly recommend reading the full piece, Emotional Agility: How Effective Leaders Manage Negative Thoughts and Emotions , see http://hbr.org/2013/11/emotional-agility/ar/1 .

I’ll add these reflections as food for thought and action:

  • Become the Other. How would I react to others who said those things to me? That’s right, go on and laugh — you wouldn’t tolerate it, would you!
  • Assess the Evidence. What evidence do I really have that this is true? Come on, not a one of us is perfect and there are no “always” absolutes in this world. Yes, we all fail. Think about times you actually did fail and picked yourself up again!
  • Check the Story. Is this just a story I’m telling myself? Ask a trusted person in your life — I’ll bet they tell you’re living in fantasy land, not the real world, with these thoughts.
  • Flip It. What happens when you breathe and then shift each thought to something positive? Try it! “I’m a loser, I never succeed,” becomes “I’m persistant, I often succeed.”
  • Stop & Be Grateful. Accept those thoughts and write down 20 things you’re grateful for immediately. No self-defeating thoughts can survive for long with gratitude in your head and heart.
  • Jump! What would happen if when your inner voice whispered fear and doubt or pleasing-filled thoughts you started jumping up and down? Try it! Did you forget that hogwash? Laugh at yourself?

Here’s something else that works for me: read something that inspires, strengthens or uplifts you . I often use this excerpt from Marianne Williamson’s A Return to Love :

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

What would you advise others to do to defeat self-defeating thoughts? Love to hear your thoughts!

Sending you nothing but wishes for growing and growing your self-love!

*Susan David is the CEO of Evidence Based Psychology, a cofounder of the Institute of Coaching, and an instructor in psychology at Harvard University. Christina Congleton, who was formerly a researcher on mindfulness and the brain at Massachusetts General Hospital, is an associate at Evidence Based Psychology and a certified coach.

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Invitation to LoveFest 2013

August 29, 2013 by Leave a Comment
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LoveFest2013Header I am delighted to share an event with you that I suspect you will really, really enjoy — LoveFest 2013 ! Two colleagues of mine, Dr. Maria Church and Love Coach Laura Wilson , are driven by a passion and desire to infuse love into every aspect of life. Through their work, they’ve seen how much more successful we are – how much more meaningful life and work feels – when we consciously shift from fear to love.

They’ve brought together 13 leaders, entrepreneurs, and luminaries to show us exactly how it is done. And I am one of their guests!

Mark your calendars now for this FREE virtual event starting September 16. Click here to register or LoveFest 2013: https://da137.infusionsoft.com/go/LF2013/JoneBosworth2013/

September 16-19th, 2013 Let the LoveFest Begin!

LoveFest 2013 Speakers

Join Dr. Maria, Love Coach Laura and me, along with ten other inspiring leaders, to fuel the shift from fear to love. You will hear about love and money, love and weight loss, love and business, love and politics, love and sports, and so much more!

Look for gentle reminders from me – I’ll be sharing more about this awesome event!

P.S. Don’t miss the Fest and remember it is FREE! Register now here and let the love begin: https://da137.infusionsoft.com/go/LF2013/JoneBosworth2013/

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We Belong to Each Other

August 21, 2013 by 2 Comments
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Sandhills, NE Windmill As I drove across Nebraska last weekend, I delighted in the green fields with their borders of Black-Eyed Susans, bright yellow with black centers, turned toward the sun. Working windmills litter the prairies, where as a child I competed mightily against my two siblings in the “spot the windmills” game, created by my parents to keep us focused on something other than squabbling with one another on family trips.

Retraining mode kicked in – it is customary to wave at each car headed the opposite direction by raising at least an index finger in greeting – something that isn’t rote to me anymore, a practice that lets others know they’re not alone in this remote stretch of land leading to the Sand Hills.

Mother Teresa said, “We’ve forgotten we belong to each other.” Sometimes that’s how it feels in America today, but not during this drive where acknowledging that you’re seen, you’re not alone, is commonplace.

Yet, folks I’ve talked with out in the heartland are also deeply influenced by what I’ve come to think of as our national Great Divide. From family dinner tables to local bars, statehouses to the halls of Congress, it seems we don’t agree on much anymore. Perhaps we’ve forgotten that we belong to each other here in this grand experiment of democracy, of United States.

Children in the heartland returned to school over the last couple of weeks and Congress left for its summer recess without a budget deal. The chicken-playing between the President and Congress – sequestration – with across the board cuts, has already impacted our vulnerable elderly (Meals on Wheels) and our children (Head Start) and much more.

The next round of sequestration cuts will include reductions for public housing assistance, money for schools with low-income students, environmental protection programs, food inspection and scientific research.

A great reminder that we belong to each other is the fact that about one third of states’ budgets come from federal funds (check out the chart* below).

Meanwhile, in my little hometown there’s an advertisement for a managerial job opening – at McDonalds – which pays $9.15 an hour.

Alabama

39.84%

Alaska

26.38%

Arizona

40.90%

Arkansas

30.44%

California

36.67%

Colorado

27.14%

Connecticut

9.53%

Delaware

19.87%

Florida

36.20%

Georgia

28.15%

Hawaii

16.96%

Idaho

39.00%

Illinois

19.35%

Indiana

35.25%

Iowa

34.06%

Kansas

26.41%

Kentucky

33.87%

Louisiana

36.24%

Maine

32.68%

Maryland

26.36%

Massachusetts

21.53%

Michigan

40.20%

Minnesota

27.57%

Mississippi

53.47%

Missouri

32.27%

Montana

36.00%

Nebraska

30.25%

Nevada

29.58%

New Hampshire

32.26%

New Jersey

24.85%

New Mexico

37.24%

New York

30.19%

North Carolina

33.56%

North Dakota

31.98%

Ohio

22.70%

Oklahoma

39.46%

Oregon

24.76%

Pennsylvania

37.20%

Rhode Island

34.49%

South Carolina

42.57%

South Dakota

40.24%

Tennessee

42.23%

Texas

33.06%

Utah

27.50%

Vermont

35.90%

Virginia

21.24%

Washington

20.81%

West Virginia

19.55%

Wisconsin

25.58%

Wyoming

25.24%

Average

31.20%

Congressional   Research Service and NASBO.

*See Pew Charitable Trusts, Elaine S. Povich’s States Brace for New Sequester Cuts;  August 20, 2013 at http://www.pewstates.org/projects/stateline . “ Stateline is a nonpartisan, nonprofit news service of the Pew Charitable Trusts that provides daily reporting and analysis on trends in state policy.”

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Stress Management for Women

August 9, 2013 by Leave a Comment
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This week, I got one of the coolest email I’ve ever received.

So cool, so transformative in fact, that I had to pass it along as an inCourage Reflection.

Dear Jone,
I have picked 10 wonderful women in my life who I consider to be powerful leader-sisters out to change their world, love their homes and all who are invited into it and strive to be role-models who inspire a higher effort in everyone.
Read this – and remember it.
And I give you permission to remind me when I am in the wrong lane.
Love to you all
C.D.

Pick Your Powerful Leader-Sister & Share

Here’s what followed… My apologies for not being able to attribute it to the original source. I hope whoever wrote this gets a heap o’ hugs of gratitude wherever she is in the world!

Stress Management for Women

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, ‘half empty or half full?’… She fooled them all …. “How heavy is this glass of water?” she inquired with a smile. Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. To 20 oz.

She replied , “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm.

If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. In each case it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “and that’s the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on.”

“As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden – holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don’t carry them through the evening and into the night… Pick them up tomorrow.

1 * Accept the fact that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully… It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

5 * If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can’t push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

20 *Save the earth….. It’s the only planet with chocolate!*

Ready to Give Permission “Wrong Lane” Permission?

share share share Go on. Do it.  I’m thinking about you TODAY!

Thanks so very much to all who voted and commented — on Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn — during my summer ‘poll’ series. Your insights and your incredible support will not be forgotten.

#GRATITUDE!

Filed Under: Action , Change , inCourage Reflections Blog , Leadership , voice Tagged With: , , , , ,

Does It Matter That Girls Don’t Want To Be President?

August 4, 2013 by Leave a Comment
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What do you want to be when you grow up? Shortly after the 2012 U.S. general elections, pollsters asked kids specifically about growing up and getting one job:  president.

Fifty-four percent of 12-17 year olds said they think they could be president – but 8 of 10 said they have no interest in the job.

Boys are more apt than girls either to say that it’s too much responsibility or too much work.

Girls were 15 points more likely than boys to say they’re not interested in the country’s top job because of other career plans or a disinterest in politics. (ABCNEWS/Weekly Reader http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=90114&page=1 )

What happens when no one wants the job?

We seem to have a serious candidate shortage in America, and not just for the presidency but at all levels. (Heck, look at New York where Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Wiener are running — again.)

The pipeline looks grim. Younger generations now say that they want no involvement in government (running for office or working in the public sector) but instead, want to make a difference through local nonprofits.

“Analysts warn of a dangerous downward cycle: perceptions of [U.S.] government as dysfunctional and politics as corrupt keep getting worse.

That convinces some of the nation’s ablest people, especially those just starting out, that they don’t want to run for office or work for the government at any level.

As a result, government and politics are likely to work even less well — presumably prompting perceptions to fall further.”

Who are the few?

More recently, according to a USA TODAY/Bipartisan Policy Center poll just 14% of people surveyed said they’d seriously considered running for political office:

Those who said they’d seriously consider running for office look like this:

•25% of those who earn at least $100,000 a year, but just 10% of those who earn less than $50,000
•22% of men, but just 8% of women
•22% of college graduates, but just 9% of those who don’t have a college degree
•17% of whites, but just 8% of African Americans

( http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/07/21/public-service-valued-politics–not-so-much/2573743/ )

Does It Really Matter?

Does it matter that few young people want to be involved with government?

your voice speak out What do you think? Does it matter that women and girls disproportionately don’t want to run for office?

Your Voice

Thank you!

Love to hear from you!

Much gratitude to all who read inCourage Leading’s summer blog series, voted on the poll questions, and sent me comments from the U.S. and elsewhere. I loved hearing your voices in the ways you chose to share them!

Filed Under: Action , Change , Gender Equality , inCourage Reflections Blog , Political Advocacy , voice Tagged With: , , , ,
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